Miami football fans are bracing themselves for a truly painful Super Bowl experience this Sunday.
The COVID-19 pandemic has made parties unsafe. The game itself will feature a Florida team that is not the Miami Dolphins and, worse, represents Tampa, Florida’s Secondary City, which will never let us live it down should the Bucs win. Be more like Jacksonville and have a terrible team, Tampa.
A Tampa win also means The Hideous Face of True Evil (Tom Brady) wins yet another ring, and haven’t we suffered enough on that front? Also, we’ll have to watch endless features about his BFF Gronk, and there is only one video we like to watch Gronk in. And to wrap it up, many drunk fans are going to fly home from the game with a side of rona, spreading droplets throughout the land like a diseased Johnny Appleseed.
So here’s some good news, local football lovers: Miami is one of the top football cities in America, according to the website WalletHub. Better than Tampa Bay or Kansas City.
Now we know what you’re thinking.This is insanity. Clearly the fine folks at WalletHub do not understand that the last time the Dolphins won the Super Bowl Vizcaya was just a town house and the dude who built Coral Castle hadn’t laid the first hunk of stone to impress that teenager he was trying to hook up with. We don’t even think humans lived in this swamp back then. And we’re pretty sure an alligator was the mayor.
And clearly the WalletHub folks weren’t paying attention on Dec. 12, 2020 when Twitter caught on actual fire due to scathing, poorly spelled comments by Miami Hurricanes fans after The Debacle that Shall Not Be Named. Ha! Just kidding, we’ll name it — the Canes and their patented swagger were obliterated 62-26 by the UNC Tar Heels. We still don’t know what a Tar Heel is.
So imagine our surprise to learn Miami is the sixth-best football town in the country. Kansas City is 13, and Tampa is no. 24.
Pittsburgh was no. 1, of course, and if you think those Yinzers aren’t crowing about that you have never eaten a pierogi. Seriously, these people would sell your children and their own for season tickets. After Pittsburgh comes Dallas, Boston, Green Bay and New York, a city far sadder footballwise than Miami, because the Jets exist.
WalletHub came to its conclusions by comparing 245 U.S. cities of different sizes based on 21 metrics tied to college and pro football, including price of tickets, number of championships, fan engagement, most accessible stadiums and number of Hall of Fame coaches (thank you, Don Shula). They also considered how many coaches each team had in the past 10 years and stadium attendance, which makes you wonder how we didn’t end up further down the list.
Fortunately, Miami is good at football history. The city scored high (no. 4) in number of college football championships — and didn’t even need a turnover chain. Miami also ranks no. 5 in most affordable ticket prices, behind Buffalo, Cincinnati, Jacksonville and Cleveland (the priciest tickets are in San Francisco, Boston and Las Vegas).
So on Sunday, when you light your santeria candle and beg the sports gods to please, please wipe that smug grin off Tom Brady’s face, remember: We’re no. 6.